keepersouha | (no subject)

Seems like everyone's been having weird dreams of late.

...but you got a card out of it? That's odd.

It was a very odd dream.

What was it about? I'm more than a bit curious.

... It's a bit personal. I don't think I'm at liberty to say.

I ask mostly because I think I had a similar dream, although I didn't get a card out of it.

Hiita meditating at a crossroads, right?

... Yes, but I don't really want to get into detail.

I feel like I'd be... Betraying.

... probably not.

... I take it that you remember the dream, then?

... Yeah.

I do.

... I'm kind of a mess, aren't I?

I'd really say a lot of us are messes...

... We don't really talk enough. We should have lunch sometime.

To talk more personally.

... I wouldn't mind. Outside our homes?

... And what I said was. Kind of true. About how I feel.

Edited 2013-05-06 09:14 (UTC)

Yes. I feel like... We could use that.

I'd figure, if it bothered you this much. Just... I can't imagine you as being just a mask, especially at this point. I think I'd have some judgment on that, being under a similar situation as you and Shiroko were.

I'll make sandwiches. Anything in particular you want.

... Deep down, a lot of those feelings are still very much at the heart of me. And. I. Feel bad. I'm failing.

... Chicken or turkey is fine. I like toasted bread.

Mm... Even after everything that's happened with your life, huh?

Okie day.

... Even after. Those... were the feelings I was born for. I was made as a mask to protect. And... I dunno.

... I think I can understand what the base of you wanting to be a hero is, then.

I had a weird dream about a week or two ago and I woke up holding a card that had the word "Dreamland" on it. Wasn't a duel monsters card though.

... It was about protecting Shiroko.

And right now, she doesn't really need protecting to that level, does she?

You need someone to protect, though.

Mm, really?

Though, why would there be cards appearing, regardless?

i didn't even protect her at da.

...i know, but. i'm not worthy of it.

It's not a matter of being worthy, Shiyoko.

Do you think anyone is actually worthy of what they have? I don't even deserve the amount of mental stability I have now.

And I don't deserve family. a husband. children. a life. an existence. i should just be a stereotype, and give up, because i was never able to grow past it...

You were able to. And you were certainly stubborn enough to continue to exist, despite every mental attack that happens during the time we've known each other.

You have your own identity. Your own existence. You have a husband and a child, even if you feel you don't deserve them. You have people around you that see you as "Shiyoko", not as "a personality", regardless of what you're currently feeling.

... Honestly, I almost envy you.

I really don't know. That shouldn't be possible, but it is...

... There might be someone interfering with dreams, then.

See, in the dream I had... I think it was another person's dream, and while I was talking to them, a Key Mace appeared and did something to them. I think I remember hearing "Rank Up Magic" or something like that? But as a result, the monster I now have a card of appeared.

I think the Key Mace tried to order them around, too, but...

... And if I said I felt envious of you?

... Then I'd wonder what you'd feel envious of.

No matter who I am, I am "Souha". I have attachment to my name no matter what state of mind I'm in.

My mind cannot handle the presence of more than two separate personalities. If a third one ever appeared... One would die.

Would you be envious of the fact that you may mentally die, slowly, if anything, anything at all, went wrong with your head? An attack? Someone hypnotizing you? Saying the wrong words?

You have the luxury of having your own body. And that is what it is, to me. A luxury.

I feel envious that you have a purpose of self you likely fulfill, that I am incapable of ever fulfilling and never succeeded in fulfilling.

Hmm, yeah, definitely sounds like someone is manipulating dreams. Doesn't sound anything like the previous times dreams have been messed with either...

I'll have to keep an eye on this.

... I don't have any purpose.

Not anymore.

My purpose "died".

Oh, yes, there were other times, weren't there...?

I just wish I remembered it more clearly, what was going on during it. I feel like I'm forgetting something notable.

... What.

Yeah, there have been a few other times where dream manipulation has happened.

Hm, well, if you remember anything important, let me know.

I will, don't worry.

I was supposed to protect the "mask", because he was... timid. He denied everything, anything that was odd, because it threatened him.

I existed to counteract that, to allow for balance, but... He's gone. He's been gone for so long.

And yet I still exist, even though I have no place to do so.

... So what does that leave us with. A bunch of failures with no purposes. But. I need a purpose.

... It's easy enough for me to say that you should find a purpose.

But you still have the advantage of having a separate... Identity.

The most I have is being called "slave".

Slave's dumb. We should get you a better title.

And I dunno, I'm mostly just made up of Shiroko's desires to be a hero/good guy, and fight people that hurt people like how she got hurt.

We don't really need to...

... well, the question is, what really. Stops you when it comes from it?

You do have someone to protect, after all.

... What stops me...?

... I feel pathetic protecting them, though... Why do they need me to protect them.

Because she's a little girl who is probably barely walking and talking, let alone capable of taking care of herself.

... she does need that, doesn't she...?

but why do i feel so useless about it.

She does. She's your daughter. She's not going to think about whether you feel like you're inadequate in it.

She's going to want your love as her parent.

But I don't love myself.

How many people really love themselves? That's not unusual when it comes to you, Shiyoko. Much as it's saddening.

Besides, on the other hand, when people love themselves, they're seen as egotistical instead.

I like liking myself, it makes me push forward.

... Maybe this would be best to continue at lunch?

Edited 2013-05-09 19:10 (UTC)

Yes, probably. Better at lunch.

k.

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