(no subject)

[keepersouha]

... This is a little troublesome.

I had a sorta of... Odd dream, but I woke up with an XYZ card with me. "Hiita the Hellfire Summoner". Mm...

...

[Private to Shiyoko]

... Ah, are you alright...?

Comments

Re: [Private to Souha]

[keepersouha]

It's not a matter of being worthy, Shiyoko.

Do you think anyone is actually worthy of what they have? I don't even deserve the amount of mental stability I have now.

Re: [Private to Souha]

[blackrthanblack]

And I don't deserve family. a husband. children. a life. an existence. i should just be a stereotype, and give up, because i was never able to grow past it...

Re: [Private to Souha]

[keepersouha]

You were able to. And you were certainly stubborn enough to continue to exist, despite every mental attack that happens during the time we've known each other.

You have your own identity. Your own existence. You have a husband and a child, even if you feel you don't deserve them. You have people around you that see you as "Shiyoko", not as "a personality", regardless of what you're currently feeling.

... Honestly, I almost envy you.

Re: [Private to Souha]

[blackrthanblack]

... And if I said I felt envious of you?

Re: [Private to Souha]

[keepersouha]

... Then I'd wonder what you'd feel envious of.

No matter who I am, I am "Souha". I have attachment to my name no matter what state of mind I'm in.

My mind cannot handle the presence of more than two separate personalities. If a third one ever appeared... One would die.

Would you be envious of the fact that you may mentally die, slowly, if anything, anything at all, went wrong with your head? An attack? Someone hypnotizing you? Saying the wrong words?

You have the luxury of having your own body. And that is what it is, to me. A luxury.

Re: [Private to Souha]

[blackrthanblack]

I feel envious that you have a purpose of self you likely fulfill, that I am incapable of ever fulfilling and never succeeded in fulfilling.

Re: [Private to Souha]

[keepersouha]

... I don't have any purpose.

Not anymore.

My purpose "died".

Re: [Private to Souha]

[blackrthanblack]

... What.

Re: [Private to Souha]

[keepersouha]

I was supposed to protect the "mask", because he was... timid. He denied everything, anything that was odd, because it threatened him.

I existed to counteract that, to allow for balance, but... He's gone. He's been gone for so long.

And yet I still exist, even though I have no place to do so.

Re: [Private to Souha]

[blackrthanblack]

... So what does that leave us with. A bunch of failures with no purposes. But. I need a purpose.

Re: [Private to Souha]

[keepersouha]

... It's easy enough for me to say that you should find a purpose.

But you still have the advantage of having a separate... Identity.

The most I have is being called "slave".

Re: [Private to Souha]

[blackrthanblack]

Slave's dumb. We should get you a better title.

And I dunno, I'm mostly just made up of Shiroko's desires to be a hero/good guy, and fight people that hurt people like how she got hurt.

Re: [Private to Souha]

[keepersouha]

We don't really need to...

... well, the question is, what really. Stops you when it comes from it?

You do have someone to protect, after all.

Re: [Private to Souha]

[blackrthanblack]

... What stops me...?

... I feel pathetic protecting them, though... Why do they need me to protect them.

Re: [Private to Souha]

[keepersouha]

Because she's a little girl who is probably barely walking and talking, let alone capable of taking care of herself.

Re: [Private to Souha]

[blackrthanblack]

... she does need that, doesn't she...?

but why do i feel so useless about it.

Re: [Private to Souha]

[keepersouha]

She does. She's your daughter. She's not going to think about whether you feel like you're inadequate in it.

She's going to want your love as her parent.

Re: [Private to Souha]

[blackrthanblack]

But I don't love myself.

Re: [Private to Souha]

[keepersouha]

How many people really love themselves? That's not unusual when it comes to you, Shiyoko. Much as it's saddening.

Besides, on the other hand, when people love themselves, they're seen as egotistical instead.

Re: [Private to Souha]

[blackrthanblack]

I like liking myself, it makes me push forward.

... Maybe this would be best to continue at lunch?

Re: [Private to Souha]

[keepersouha]

Yes, probably. Better at lunch.

Re: [Private to Souha]

[blackrthanblack]

k.