keepersouha | (no subject)

I've tried to let go of things that I'm angry or upset about, multiple times now. And what do I get?

Spite, seduced, and played for a fool.

I want to not be angry all the time, but it doesn't help that every time I try, something else completely different happens.

By this logic, if I try to let go of my anger against them, then I'm going to wake up one day in the middle of the ocean all because they thought it would be "interesting".

...have you considered that you're making self-fulfilling prophesies?

Though, if 'them' is who I think it is, I can't blame you too much there... but you could still try to maintain something other than constant annoyance on your day to day life. It's not even about letting go of how you feel about certain people and things so much as not constantly dwelling on it like a hypochondriac.

I also tried to have faith that this wouldn't happen back then, as well.

It'd help if I didn't get it shoved into my face every waking moment.

Well, I'm kind of tired of dealing with constant anger. I miss having a Souha who could be nervous in a way that isn't also annoyance. I miss not having to worry about you switching to someone who's as likely to pat me on the back as stab me there.

I'm also rather annoyed that I can't even invite a friend over to my house because of someone that's basically squatting here, but I'm trying to accept that and live with it.

... The one who was nervous doesn't even exist anymore. As it is, I miss them too, but it's what happens. They didn't have a purpose anymore, by my own mind's idea.

No, even before you weren't always angry all the time. Or at least you wielded it with greater finesse than you do now, so it didn't feel quite so same-y.

I just want to be able to talk to you again without a constant backlash of agitation or snide experimentation, is that so much to ask?

I was never "nervous".

... No, it's not. Though I'm not sure what I can do about the "snide experimentation" part.

Well, whatever, you weren't a constant sourpuss.

I was kind of hoping you'd develop more of a personality than 'constantly angry guy', and win the mental battle, myself.

... I just.. Can't really find the point of trying to "win", by now.

I'm fake, petty, constantly agitated, and people will go out of their way to point this out to me. My own mind apparently was probably going to end up erasing me if Noriko hadn't stopped it.

Even if I tried to get rid of them, I'm not allowed to. Even if I tried to live with them, they'd go out of their way to make things worse. The last time I tried to make peace with them directly ended up having them manipulate me and provoke me.

So it's a bit hard to not just be "constantly angry guy" all of the time.

...what you're telling me is that I'm likely to lose a friend soon.

I know you rejected the idea of extended life, but this rather hurts, you know.

... I don't think having an extended life would have helped it.

It probably would've made it worse.

That's really not the problem here, and you know it.

Well you're the one who pointed that out, even if it were the problem or not!

I just... Don't know what to do here. The only other option would be to split us, at this point. But then one would have to wonder whether to keep them around, who'd get our real body, what to do with them and just... Nergh, it's no wonder I'd end up vanishing.

At this point, you've basically decided to vanish. You say it's not what you want, but it's what you've resigned yourself to, and you know as well as I do that doing so is as good as dunking yourself in BBQ sauce and throwing yourself to the wolves.

Despite the fact that I talk to you, and only you, you've still decided to take yourself away, and just give up.

You say that the feelings of anger are to keep yourself solid, but you're just miring in your own feelings of regret and resentment that you 'have to' vanish.

What can we honestly do when you've given up on yourself? How are we suppose to feel that you've decided on a form of mental suicide akin to carbon monoxide poisoning?

Apparently, that you're supposed to accept it as what was going to happen and then support the fact.

I mean, it's not like anyone will miss him at this point. He doesn't like himself, and hasn't for years-- what difference does that make to you to learn about something that was going to happen since you broke him and made me?

.......

If I'm the one that broke him and made you... then I should be the one to fix him.

Oh? And just how will you do that?

I'll figure out something.