keepersouha | (no subject)

Yes, probably, but... nergh. It'd be easier if I could just stay with Sekuta, but he's insisting on this whole teaching thing...

Well, you can't really blame him from pursuing his own dream.

Yes, I know, but it makes it difficult to try to stay with him.

Well, it's something you'd have to deal with eventually, you know.

I didn't expect it to be anytime soon.

Well, such is life, dear Souha.

I could probably talk with Vidya, who could talk with you-know-who. Maybe get something worked out.

... No, it's alright. It'd be pretty terrible of me to burden Vidya like that when I won't even show my face.

Fine, fine.

Let me know what you figure out, though. Which I imagine will be most likely staying with Noriko.

That depends really, since I may or may not be a bit angry now.

...ah?

...

To be fair, when aren't you at least annoyed?

You know despite how much I do get angry have you ever considered for a moment that I might have a good reason to be so all the time?

There's no 'good reason' to be angry all the time short of a loved one being murdered and unavenged.

It'd be like me feeling I had 'good reason' to be mopey all the time, or harass people all the time.

...

Which I probably do more than I should, but that's somewhat the point.

Nice to know then.

You might have valid reasons to be upset, but that doesn't mean you should be upset all the time.

No, no, don't.

I'm sorry that I'm annoyed about something that everyone just brushes off or acts like should help me, or even thinks that I should start to act more like.

I should just learn my place about this.

I'd help you if I could, but you know full well that I could do as much damage as I cure. I try and give you all the advice I can, and I try to keep my door open if you need something.

But there's a lot more to life than constant anger, and so long as you hold onto your anger, the more it ultimately weakens you.

I've tried to let go of things that I'm angry or upset about, multiple times now. And what do I get?

Spite, seduced, and played for a fool.

I want to not be angry all the time, but it doesn't help that every time I try, something else completely different happens.

By this logic, if I try to let go of my anger against them, then I'm going to wake up one day in the middle of the ocean all because they thought it would be "interesting".

...have you considered that you're making self-fulfilling prophesies?

Though, if 'them' is who I think it is, I can't blame you too much there... but you could still try to maintain something other than constant annoyance on your day to day life. It's not even about letting go of how you feel about certain people and things so much as not constantly dwelling on it like a hypochondriac.

I also tried to have faith that this wouldn't happen back then, as well.

It'd help if I didn't get it shoved into my face every waking moment.

Well, I'm kind of tired of dealing with constant anger. I miss having a Souha who could be nervous in a way that isn't also annoyance. I miss not having to worry about you switching to someone who's as likely to pat me on the back as stab me there.

I'm also rather annoyed that I can't even invite a friend over to my house because of someone that's basically squatting here, but I'm trying to accept that and live with it.

... The one who was nervous doesn't even exist anymore. As it is, I miss them too, but it's what happens. They didn't have a purpose anymore, by my own mind's idea.

No, even before you weren't always angry all the time. Or at least you wielded it with greater finesse than you do now, so it didn't feel quite so same-y.

I just want to be able to talk to you again without a constant backlash of agitation or snide experimentation, is that so much to ask?

I was never "nervous".

... No, it's not. Though I'm not sure what I can do about the "snide experimentation" part.

Well, whatever, you weren't a constant sourpuss.

I was kind of hoping you'd develop more of a personality than 'constantly angry guy', and win the mental battle, myself.

... I just.. Can't really find the point of trying to "win", by now.

I'm fake, petty, constantly agitated, and people will go out of their way to point this out to me. My own mind apparently was probably going to end up erasing me if Noriko hadn't stopped it.

Even if I tried to get rid of them, I'm not allowed to. Even if I tried to live with them, they'd go out of their way to make things worse. The last time I tried to make peace with them directly ended up having them manipulate me and provoke me.

So it's a bit hard to not just be "constantly angry guy" all of the time.